Goals for 2010
1. Graduate college
2. Lose 40 lbs.
3. Get a job
4. Be a better wife and mother
5. Enjoy life more
I love the New Year because I always feel like I get a clean start. I'm worried about this semester of classes but I'm also grateful I have the opportunity to finish my degree. I only have 2 semesters left! I feel very blessed right now. 2010 is already off to a great start.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Thursday, December 31, 2009
The Wicked Stepmother
I'm sure by now no one reads this blog or if they do they really don't care about stepmoms. But, since this is my blog and I am a stepmom, I can post what I want. I really enjoyed this article and would like everyone to know if you have stepparenting advice for me keep it to yourself! (especially if you have no stepchildren)
"MYTH BUSTERS" from STEPMONSTERS
MYTH #1: STEPMOTHERS ARE TOUGHER ON THEIR STEPCHILDREN THAN MOTHERS ARE TOWARD THEIR OWN CHILDREN.
Not so and they are not stricter disciplinarians. This in spite of the fact that more stepmothers than mothers reported that they "rarely have fun" with their step/children and rated themselves "worse/stricter" parents. That is to say, stereotypes aside, even though stepmothers have a harder time, they are actually "nicer" and more lenient when it comes to discipline, not crueler or more demanding.
MYTH #2: DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE - AND ACQUIRING A STEPMOTHER -ARE BAD FOR THE CHILDREN
Divorce and remarriage (getting a stepmother) do not harm children - parental conflict (between mom and dad) does. Over and over, research confirms that children with behavioral and emotional problems after divorce started having problems long before divorce took place, as a result of parental conflict.
MYTH #3: IF A STEPMOTHER TRIES HARD ENOUGH, SHE WILL BE ABLE TO WIN OVER HER STEPCHILDREN
Regardless of her personality, her desire to befriend them and the years of patience and effort she invests in "winning them over," the stepmother will not be able to have a close relationship with her stepchildren without their biological mother's whole-hearted approval. Bottom line: when there is conflict between a stepmother and a stepchild, look to mom to understand why. Most likely, she is giving the kids subtle (and explicit) messages that it is okay, perhaps even required, to be nasty to dad's "new wife."
MYTH #4: STEPMOTHERS AND STEPFATHERS HAVE IT EQUALLY TOUGH.
It's true that being a stepparent can be difficult and thankless for men and women alike. But stepmothers are significantly more likely to experience rudeness, hostile behavior, rebuffs and rejection from stepchildren than stepfathers. Resentment against them tends to be more intense, and more sustained. This is especially difficult for women, since their self-esteem and happiness (unlike men's) is inextricable from their success in relationships. In addition, women with stepchildren deal with stereotypes and biases about wickedness, as well as expectations that all women are maternal, that men with stepchildren do not. It is not surprising, then, that stepmothers are the family members most at risk for exhaustion, clinical depression and suicidal thoughts.
MYTH #5: IF YOUR STEPKIDS DISLIKE YOU, YOU MUST BE DOING SOMETHING WRONG.
In fact, warm and loving stepmothers cause the most severe loyalty conflicts for children. University of Missouri stepfamily researchers Marilyn Coleman and Larry Ganong found that the more appealing, attractive and kind a stepmother is, the more hostility and resentment she will get from her stepchildren if they feel guilty, sensing that befriending her would be a betrayal of mom.
In addition, stepchildren frequently take their anger, hostility, and disappointment with Dad out on his wife. Stepmom is more expendable, an Outsider, so being nasty to her is easier than confronting Dad, who is likely more loved, and whose disapproval is more feared. This dynamic in which stepmom is the Fall Guy, and takes the heat for anger at dad, is very common in a remarriage with children.
Finally, in a dynamic called "conflict by proxy," stepchildren of any age often play out their mom's resentment at stepmom, experiencing and expressing mother's emotions for her.
In these situations, effort has little to do with it; resentment and dislike of stepmom is structural. It can't be fixed by stepmom "trying harder."
MYTH #6: IT'S UP TO THE STEPMOTHER TO MAKE IT WORK WITH HER STEPCHILDREN
The woman with stepchildren is just one piece of the stepfamily puzzle, one player in the stepfamily system. Too often, she takes on the role of family therapist and marriage counselor, exhausting herself and setting herself up for a fall. In truth, stepfamily relations will be successful only if every player in the picture-husband and wife (or partners), kid/s, and ex-is considered responsible and accountable for the outcome. The man with kids must be clear about giving his marriage priority, supporting his wife and letting everyone know that they are now the team. In this way he brings her from the outside to the inside of the family structure. The ex must let her kids know that it's okay to like their stepmom, and that she won't fall apart if they have a relationship with her, loosening the loyalty binds they feel. And the stepkids must be held accountable for any bad behavior toward stepmom, shown immediately that it won't fly, and that they don't have "veto power" over dad's choice of a partner.
If all the other players aren't doing their part, there is little a stepmother can do to "make it work." Holding her solely responsible is misguided and biased.
MYTH #7: BEING A STEPMOTHER GETS EASIER OVER THE YEARS
It's not over when they're 18. Or even when they move out of the house. While it's true that tensions generally abate when stepkids move on literally and figuratively, many women are surprised to discover that, in spite of our expectations to the contrary, stepmothering can actually get more complicated over time.
Events like a stepchild's graduation and wedding, where an ex and the entire extended family is present, can stress the woman with stepchildren and her husband, reopening old rifts and renewing the sense that she is an Outsider. Stepchildren's partners and spouses add a new level of interpersonal complexity (and sometimes difficulty) to the mix. Finally, when a woman has both grandchildren and step-grandchildren, even the most enthused and loving woman may feel spread thin by all her obligations. Or guilty that she loves her own grandkids best. If she has no grandchildren of her own, this can intensify her sense of regret or exclusion. Finally, some stepchildren may not move on from their hostility or resentment even when they reach adulthood. Their failure to resolve old issues from their parents' divorce and father' remarriage may continue to be expressed as resentment toward their stepmother.
MYTH #8: A STEPMOTHER'S NEEDS SHOULD TAKE A BACK SEAT TO THE STEPCHILDREN'S. THEY'RE CHILDREN AFTER ALL.
Experts agree that rather pour her energy into attempting to win the approval and love of her stepchildren, a woman who finds herself in the position of being rejected and rebuffed will do better to focus on herself and her marriage. After all, his kids already have two parents to take care of them and put them first. Stepmom, the research shows, does best when she leaves the parenting to the parents, solidifies her partnership, and takes occasional time away from her husband's kids and even her husband to be with friends and family of her own. This provides relief and rejuvenation, solidifies her sense that she has many successful relationships, and prevents stepparental burn out.
Website: http://www.wednesdaymartin.com
"MYTH BUSTERS" from STEPMONSTERS
MYTH #1: STEPMOTHERS ARE TOUGHER ON THEIR STEPCHILDREN THAN MOTHERS ARE TOWARD THEIR OWN CHILDREN.
Not so and they are not stricter disciplinarians. This in spite of the fact that more stepmothers than mothers reported that they "rarely have fun" with their step/children and rated themselves "worse/stricter" parents. That is to say, stereotypes aside, even though stepmothers have a harder time, they are actually "nicer" and more lenient when it comes to discipline, not crueler or more demanding.
MYTH #2: DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE - AND ACQUIRING A STEPMOTHER -ARE BAD FOR THE CHILDREN
Divorce and remarriage (getting a stepmother) do not harm children - parental conflict (between mom and dad) does. Over and over, research confirms that children with behavioral and emotional problems after divorce started having problems long before divorce took place, as a result of parental conflict.
MYTH #3: IF A STEPMOTHER TRIES HARD ENOUGH, SHE WILL BE ABLE TO WIN OVER HER STEPCHILDREN
Regardless of her personality, her desire to befriend them and the years of patience and effort she invests in "winning them over," the stepmother will not be able to have a close relationship with her stepchildren without their biological mother's whole-hearted approval. Bottom line: when there is conflict between a stepmother and a stepchild, look to mom to understand why. Most likely, she is giving the kids subtle (and explicit) messages that it is okay, perhaps even required, to be nasty to dad's "new wife."
MYTH #4: STEPMOTHERS AND STEPFATHERS HAVE IT EQUALLY TOUGH.
It's true that being a stepparent can be difficult and thankless for men and women alike. But stepmothers are significantly more likely to experience rudeness, hostile behavior, rebuffs and rejection from stepchildren than stepfathers. Resentment against them tends to be more intense, and more sustained. This is especially difficult for women, since their self-esteem and happiness (unlike men's) is inextricable from their success in relationships. In addition, women with stepchildren deal with stereotypes and biases about wickedness, as well as expectations that all women are maternal, that men with stepchildren do not. It is not surprising, then, that stepmothers are the family members most at risk for exhaustion, clinical depression and suicidal thoughts.
MYTH #5: IF YOUR STEPKIDS DISLIKE YOU, YOU MUST BE DOING SOMETHING WRONG.
In fact, warm and loving stepmothers cause the most severe loyalty conflicts for children. University of Missouri stepfamily researchers Marilyn Coleman and Larry Ganong found that the more appealing, attractive and kind a stepmother is, the more hostility and resentment she will get from her stepchildren if they feel guilty, sensing that befriending her would be a betrayal of mom.
In addition, stepchildren frequently take their anger, hostility, and disappointment with Dad out on his wife. Stepmom is more expendable, an Outsider, so being nasty to her is easier than confronting Dad, who is likely more loved, and whose disapproval is more feared. This dynamic in which stepmom is the Fall Guy, and takes the heat for anger at dad, is very common in a remarriage with children.
Finally, in a dynamic called "conflict by proxy," stepchildren of any age often play out their mom's resentment at stepmom, experiencing and expressing mother's emotions for her.
In these situations, effort has little to do with it; resentment and dislike of stepmom is structural. It can't be fixed by stepmom "trying harder."
MYTH #6: IT'S UP TO THE STEPMOTHER TO MAKE IT WORK WITH HER STEPCHILDREN
The woman with stepchildren is just one piece of the stepfamily puzzle, one player in the stepfamily system. Too often, she takes on the role of family therapist and marriage counselor, exhausting herself and setting herself up for a fall. In truth, stepfamily relations will be successful only if every player in the picture-husband and wife (or partners), kid/s, and ex-is considered responsible and accountable for the outcome. The man with kids must be clear about giving his marriage priority, supporting his wife and letting everyone know that they are now the team. In this way he brings her from the outside to the inside of the family structure. The ex must let her kids know that it's okay to like their stepmom, and that she won't fall apart if they have a relationship with her, loosening the loyalty binds they feel. And the stepkids must be held accountable for any bad behavior toward stepmom, shown immediately that it won't fly, and that they don't have "veto power" over dad's choice of a partner.
If all the other players aren't doing their part, there is little a stepmother can do to "make it work." Holding her solely responsible is misguided and biased.
MYTH #7: BEING A STEPMOTHER GETS EASIER OVER THE YEARS
It's not over when they're 18. Or even when they move out of the house. While it's true that tensions generally abate when stepkids move on literally and figuratively, many women are surprised to discover that, in spite of our expectations to the contrary, stepmothering can actually get more complicated over time.
Events like a stepchild's graduation and wedding, where an ex and the entire extended family is present, can stress the woman with stepchildren and her husband, reopening old rifts and renewing the sense that she is an Outsider. Stepchildren's partners and spouses add a new level of interpersonal complexity (and sometimes difficulty) to the mix. Finally, when a woman has both grandchildren and step-grandchildren, even the most enthused and loving woman may feel spread thin by all her obligations. Or guilty that she loves her own grandkids best. If she has no grandchildren of her own, this can intensify her sense of regret or exclusion. Finally, some stepchildren may not move on from their hostility or resentment even when they reach adulthood. Their failure to resolve old issues from their parents' divorce and father' remarriage may continue to be expressed as resentment toward their stepmother.
MYTH #8: A STEPMOTHER'S NEEDS SHOULD TAKE A BACK SEAT TO THE STEPCHILDREN'S. THEY'RE CHILDREN AFTER ALL.
Experts agree that rather pour her energy into attempting to win the approval and love of her stepchildren, a woman who finds herself in the position of being rejected and rebuffed will do better to focus on herself and her marriage. After all, his kids already have two parents to take care of them and put them first. Stepmom, the research shows, does best when she leaves the parenting to the parents, solidifies her partnership, and takes occasional time away from her husband's kids and even her husband to be with friends and family of her own. This provides relief and rejuvenation, solidifies her sense that she has many successful relationships, and prevents stepparental burn out.
Website: http://www.wednesdaymartin.com
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Falling Down on the Job
So because of school work I have become a total slacker in other areas. Justin just had to fly into town and pay a bill because I completely forgot. Luckily, he got there just in time. Thank you Justin!!! All of my days are running together which is why I forgot about the bill. I didn't realize until 3:00 that it is the first of October. I don't have any Christmas shopping done, which for me is odd. I would have already at least started. I'm hoping to get some of that done this weekend. My house looks like a bomb went off which is driving me crazy. I hate when stuff is everywhere. I can't think or function in a dirty house. I finally mowed my lawn today, even my pride and joy has fallen by the wayside. My flower beds look horrible and the backyard looks like a jungle. Poor Inky hasn't gone on a walk in who knows when. Everyday I hop out of the shower pull my hair up in a pony tail and put sweats on. I think my husband is wondering what happened to his wife. I can't believe school is kicking my butt this bad! Every week I keep getting e-mails from teachers saying they are going to have to up the work load. Are you kidding me? Poor Haiden has had peanut butter sandwiches or frozen dinners for supper almost every night. I had to finally go to the store because I realized all I had was popcorn to feed him. I'm losing my mind. I'm very glad to have the opportunity, don't get me wrong, I just hope sometime soon I can find my grove. I am so glad this weekend is confrence hopefully someone will have some great advice to give me. I just hope I don't fall asleep, that's the other thing I hardly ever do anymore. Anyway, off to do school!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Finally Fall
Just thought I'd share my really cheap fall decorations with everyone. The wreath on the mirror I made out of dollar store candle wreaths. All the little pumkins I got at the dollar tree and the huge acorns my mom picked up for me on some trip in East Texas I think. The glass fish bowl I picked up at goodwill for a quarter and the stuff inside I got at Wal-Mart for $5. The candle holder I already had and just added fall ribbon that I also got at Wal-Mart for $2. The basket on the door my mom gave me and I bought the fall flowers last year at hobby lobby they were half price. Anyway, enjoy the fall decor.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Estimated Time
Most of my online classes give an estimated amount of time to complete the lessons. I needed to get started extra early today because I have alot to get done. The estimated time for this particular lesson was 60 mins. Not bad I thought I should be moving right along. It was a power point presentation, the longest one I've ever seen, but anyway.
I get through the first 5 slides, no problem, then the cat starts meowing, I ignore until it continues into a high pitched annoying meow. So at slide 8 I decide to go feed the stupid cat. Okay, back to work, slide 9, 10, 11 and 12 go smooth until slide 13 Justin comes in with a bloody lip. What happened to you? "I cut my lip shaving." Didn't realize your lips were that hairy but oh well. So stop at slide 13and try to help him get the bleeding to stop about 15 mins. later it finally has stopped gushing. Justin leaves for work, Haidens at school, now I get can started again. Slide 14,15,16, dryer beeps and it's time for more laundry. New load in and ready to begin except phone rings. Hello, Hello, "Um, yes is this the clinic." No Maria this is not the clinic. (She calls every week) "oh, I'm so sorry." No problem. Slide 17, 18, 19 20, ring, ring, I'm so not answering. Ring, ring, ring, fine I pick up and it's the health department wondering why I won't set up an appointment for Maria. Um, I don't know maybe because this is not a CLINIC!!!!!!!!
Slides 20,21,22,23,and 24 go great. Until the dog starts yelping. I ignore for awhile and then realize maybe I should check on him. I go outside and he is covered in stickers head to toe. So I bring him in and wrestle with him for about 30 mins. trying to get the stickers out. Get him outside and feed and finally finish slides 25-31. Estimated time 60 mins just turned into 135 mins. At this rate I should be done with school in no time.
I get through the first 5 slides, no problem, then the cat starts meowing, I ignore until it continues into a high pitched annoying meow. So at slide 8 I decide to go feed the stupid cat. Okay, back to work, slide 9, 10, 11 and 12 go smooth until slide 13 Justin comes in with a bloody lip. What happened to you? "I cut my lip shaving." Didn't realize your lips were that hairy but oh well. So stop at slide 13and try to help him get the bleeding to stop about 15 mins. later it finally has stopped gushing. Justin leaves for work, Haidens at school, now I get can started again. Slide 14,15,16, dryer beeps and it's time for more laundry. New load in and ready to begin except phone rings. Hello, Hello, "Um, yes is this the clinic." No Maria this is not the clinic. (She calls every week) "oh, I'm so sorry." No problem. Slide 17, 18, 19 20, ring, ring, I'm so not answering. Ring, ring, ring, fine I pick up and it's the health department wondering why I won't set up an appointment for Maria. Um, I don't know maybe because this is not a CLINIC!!!!!!!!
Slides 20,21,22,23,and 24 go great. Until the dog starts yelping. I ignore for awhile and then realize maybe I should check on him. I go outside and he is covered in stickers head to toe. So I bring him in and wrestle with him for about 30 mins. trying to get the stickers out. Get him outside and feed and finally finish slides 25-31. Estimated time 60 mins just turned into 135 mins. At this rate I should be done with school in no time.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Conversation with an Idiot
(Idiot) So did you know Justin's first wife while they were still married?
(Me) Oh, yeah we were best friends before I stole her husband. I hung out with them all the time because it's very common for junior high kids to have married adult friends.
People why do you continue to ask stupid, rude, and inappropriate questions?
And even if for some strange reason I did know her what does it matter it is none of your business.
Don't worry it gets better.
(Idiot) So if you didn't know her then how did you meet Justin?
Are you serious, this person totally did not believe me that I didn't know his first wife. And why can you only meet a divorced guy through his ex-wife? I'm confused do exes usually set each other up?
I am so incredibly sick of people asking questions like this. It is none of your business and who wants to talk about their husbands ex-wife. Does ex mean anything to you?
(Me) Oh, yeah we were best friends before I stole her husband. I hung out with them all the time because it's very common for junior high kids to have married adult friends.
People why do you continue to ask stupid, rude, and inappropriate questions?
And even if for some strange reason I did know her what does it matter it is none of your business.
Don't worry it gets better.
(Idiot) So if you didn't know her then how did you meet Justin?
Are you serious, this person totally did not believe me that I didn't know his first wife. And why can you only meet a divorced guy through his ex-wife? I'm confused do exes usually set each other up?
I am so incredibly sick of people asking questions like this. It is none of your business and who wants to talk about their husbands ex-wife. Does ex mean anything to you?
Friday, September 11, 2009
My Skin is Light
Racism exists and always will. I don't know why I continue to be shocked when someone judges another based on the color of their skin. I guess I just keep thinking there are so many forms of racism haven't we at least evolved enough to not still be practicing that one? Apparently not. How sad, that one can't look at another human being and realize their worth. How sad, that they miss out on new friendships and experiences. How ridiculous that one really comes to a conclusion about a person before they have even meet them, based solely on the color of their skin. Do people not realize how narrow-minded that is, or do they just not care? I wonder if they think Heavenly Father looks at us with different eyes as well because I can guarantee he doesn't. I can't wrap my brain around it. How does someone even think like this? I completely don't get it. I guess that's just life and everyone gets judge. People get over it, it's skin everyone has it, does it matter what shade it is?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
